Taita Means Father: Why We Need Healthy Male Leadership

I recently saw a “silly, cutesy” reel on Instagram of a mother “educating” her young daughters on the supposed root cause of female suffering. In the reel, the mother had written out three words in big capital letters on a large sheet of paper. The words read:

“MENstruation”

“MENopause”

“MENtal breakdown”

In the caption, she wrote something along the lines of, “Teach them young so that they always know what the real problem is: MEN.”

Before moving forward, I want to clarify that I think it’s abhorrent to teach young girls that menstruation and menopause—two entirely normal, natural, and powerful parts of womanhood—are problems in any way. Additionally, as someone who has experienced countless mental breakdowns in my short 28 years life, I also don’t see that inevitable breaking point of a so-called “mental breakdown” as a problem but rather as an opportunity for growth, transformation, choice, autonomy, self-responsibility, and rebirth.

Okay…moving on.

For decades, I have seen many people echo this harsh statement about men both in person and online. I’m sure that I saw it reposted somewhere in my teenage Tumblr years and I constantly see similar sentiments floating around Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. I’ve watched women make jokes about this in comedy sketches and standup shows. I’ve seen it be the main storyline of countless RomComs and reality TV shows. I’ve heard women repeat it in gossipy conversations where they’re complaining about their most recent dating disappointments. I, myself, most certainly said similar things in my younger years:

“Men are trash.”

“Men are the worst.”

“Ugh, MEN!”

Funnily enough, I (like the majority of the women who say these unkind and disrespectful things) have predominantly dated men, am currently in a serious longterm relationship with a man, and am hoping to create a healthy, loving, stable family with him at some point in the future. Thus, the contradiction between my heart’s desire to genuinely love and be loved by men and the aggressively anti-male cultural programming that I have embodied in my relationship to men is glaringly obvious and entirely incongruent. Obviously, something big has to change if I am to come into right relationship with the man that I love but also with my own personal understanding of what it truly means to be a woman.

As a younger person, I was very adamantly attached to an anarchist identity and political perspective in regard to authority. More specifically, I fought very hard against the authority of older men when it came to politics (presidents, governors, senators, etc.), employers (bosses, managers, supervisors, etc.), and my family (my father, grandfathers, and uncles). As someone who was raised in a liberal feminist GIRL BOSS household and culture, I was taught that men were the root cause of all of women’s suffering. I was taught that women always have and always will have to fight against men if we want to secure any semblance of power. I was taught that men are inherently violent, dominating, forceful, lacking in empathy, sexually obsessed, and incapable of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. My education, from a very early age, mirrored that of the young girls in the Instagram reel that I mentioned earlier. I was terrified of men, horrified by men, angry at men, and essentially fighting against men any chance that I got. In my mind, there was no world in which men would ever actually be capable of offering genuine guidance, care, protection, orientation, and love. In fact, it was impossible for me to value, honor, and receive the guidance, care, protection, orientation, and deep, deep love of my own father due to these warped and false beliefs that I had been taught about men. It makes me deeply sad to admit all of this but I have to be fully honest with myself and with you: I hated men, I disrespected men, and I violently opposed their authority in any way that I could.

Thankfully, my vision of and relationship to men has undergone a large transformation over the past few years which is largely due to the experience that I had in being cared for and mentored by my late and beloved teacher, Abuelo Querubin.

For those of you who have taken the time to listen to my recent podcast episode, “Padre de todos: In Memory of Abuelo Querubin”, you already know that the abuelo was the political and spiritual leader (Taita) of his people, the Cofan Nation of Colombia and Ecuador. The abuelo was also the political and spiritual leader of a large cabildo (coalition) of various indigenous nations from the Putumayo jungle region of Colombia and Ecuador. Having come from an extremely long lineage of powerful shamans, the abuelo was groomed and trained for this political and spiritual role from a very young age and had always known what his responsibility was to his people and his territory. Throughout his entire life, he never wavered in his understanding that it was not only his birthright but his duty to protect, defend, and safeguard his indigenous ways of life—which included the protection, defense, and safeguarding of the fellow men, women, and children of his family, community, and territory.

Now, the reason that I chose to title the episode “Padre de todos” (translation: everyone’s father) is because the abuelo was the father, grandfather, great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather of around 100 direct descendants by the time he died at 110 years of age. His role as the leader of his people and defender of his territory was inextricably linked with his role as a father. Throughout Colombia and parts of Ecuador, the word for the male leader of a village is Taita (originally a Quecha word that is now used cross-culturally) and the direct translation for the word Taita is FATHER. To be a leader is to be a father. To be a father is to be a leader. You cannot have one without the other, for when you take on the spiritual role of fatherhood you also take on the role of being a leader within your family and your community. Additionally, within the indigenous communities here in the jungle it is expected for all men to become a father at some point in their lifetime, therefore manhood and male leadership is inextricably linked with the rite of passage that is fatherhood.

In comparison to the indigenous Cofan culture that I have been living in full-time for over a year, I look  at the ways in which our modern culture has entirely denigrated, defiled, and disrespected the sacred role of fatherhood and manhood as a whole. Motherhood and womanhood are, of course, also severely neglected and disregarded but motherhood and womanhood often receive more of our focus and attention. I think about all of the women’s retreats, new/full moon circles, sister-wound workshops, mommy support groups, and general community building/witnessing of women and our trauma and our healing. When I think about the men in my life (more specifically, the men who are not following a path that would necessarily be considered “spiritual” or “healing”) I ask myself, “Where are their opportunities for community building, brotherhood, and loving mentorship among initiated fathers, initiated elders, and initiated men? Why do we assume that men are suffering any less than women are? Why have we abandoned them in their pain, loss, and isolation?”

When I think about the men in my life—my father, my grandfathers, my uncles, my male cousins, my male friends, my partner, and my potential future sons—I grieve for their loss of community, intimacy, and support from other men. Additionally, I feel the pain and sadness that they experience in knowing that so many women look at them and see only “problems” instead of seeing potential solutions that could be created by working together. From my perspective, these potential solutions can only be brought to fruition when women and men learn how to respect and honor one another. Thus, as a woman, it is my responsibility to learn how to truly respect men. I cannot control or force men to learn how to respect women but I can at least do my part of the equation.

I can genuinely say that Abuelo Querubin was the first man that I ever respected, however, I did not respect the abuelo simply because he was the leader of his people nor because of his undeniable gifts as an extremely powerful shamanic healer. I respected the abuelo because he embodied a version of healthy masculinity that I did not know was possible before meeting him. The abuelo was, at his core, the truest example of divine fatherly love. He viewed every single person that came to him for healing, guidance, advice, and orientation as his own child and he cared for them as such. The abuelo taught through personal stories and strong boundaries. He was clear, direct, and purposeful in all of his interactions. The example that he set with his choices and actions were in integrity and alignment with the words that he spoke in ceremonies, in political meetings, and in everyday life. The abuelo was strategic, intelligent, empathetic, wildly funny, open hearted, and respectful of all living and non-living beings. The abuelo was a leader, he was a father, and he always has, and always will, have my deepest, deepest respect.

Thus, in coming into a respectful relationship with my male teacher, I began to recognize all of the glaringly obvious ways in which I belittle, degrade, dominate, castrate, make fun of, and disrespect all of the other men in my life and WHEWWWW…let me tell you!!! This was not fun to have to look at!!! Having to face the reality of how little space I was actually capable of  holding for the pains, vulnerabilities, insecurities, fears, doubts, hopes, dreams, traumas, stories, visions, and perspectives of men was deeply confronting. I had always held the narrative that men were incapable of offering this to women. That they lacked the emotional skillset and relational empathy required to develop true intimacy with women in both romantic and platonic relationships. I had to look at the fact that I treated not only my male romantic partners unkindly but also all of my male friends and my male relatives. I had to very seriously question what kind of mother I would be if I ever end up having sons and what kind of an example I would set for my boys in regard to male/female relationships both in my relationship with their father but also in my relationships with all of the other men in our lives. This was, and continues to be, extremely challenging and uncomfortable work but it is, as I said, my part of the equation and I will, therefore, continue to commit myself to it.

Now, let’s move on to why I believe that it is important for us to continue cultivating and supporting healthy male leadership within our families and our communities.

I often think about this societal push to get more women into positions of power which, TO BE EXPLICITLY CLEAR, I am not opposed to in any way. However, what I am opposed to is this idea that having women in power will automatically somehow make things “better”. I, myself, have worked for companies that were entirely female-led which were simultaneously some of the most toxic and dysfunctional work environments that I have ever experienced. I have had female managers/superiors who were significantly more abusive and disrespectful to me than my male mangers/superiors. In fact, the only time that I have ever experienced sexual harassment and outright sexual assault at work was actually at the hands of my FEMALE restaurant manager during NYC Pride Weekend (the irony is not lost on me…).

This is one of the many reasons that I refuse to subscribe to a narrative that women handle power better than men simply based on the gendered stereotype that women are inherently kinder, gentler, more empathetic, more understanding, and less violent than men. The same goes for why I refuse to blindly support female political candidates whose actions and policies I find to be abhorrent, violent, and entirely out of alignment with my values and ethics. The fact of the matter is that women are just as capable as men at abusing our power, however, we often do it in ways that are more subtle and more manipulative. Men are generally more direct and outright in their abuse of power whereas we women have found sneakier and quieter avenues that simultaneously allow us to maintain a facade of victimhood and innocence in light of our bad behavior. I say this because I have participated in this female-flavored abuse of power many, many times throughout my life and I have witnessed countless women do the exact same thing—who else would I have learned it from??

Another saddening thing that I have witnessed on social media over the past few years is the trend of street interviews where the interviewer will first ask a collection of random women whether women need men and then will, in turn, ask a collection of random men whether men need women. The answers are, almost always, the same. When women are asked this question, their immediate response is something along the lines of, “No, I don’t need a man. What do I need a man for? Women don’t need men for anything.” Speaking from a position of supposed “feminist empowerment”, these women throw a huge degree of sass and vitriol at the interviewer for even attempting to suggest otherwise. Contrastingly, when men were asked whether they needed women, all of the men answer similarly. “Yes, of course we need women,” the men respond. “Women are awesome and men need them for a whole bunch of stuff.” Men have a very clear understanding of the value that women bring into their lives, yet, women are somehow entirely blind to the value that men bring into theirs.

The phrase, “I don’t need a man,” is absurdly ridiculous to me. For just a moment, let’s remove this sentiment from a romantic context and expand our vision to include the entirety of the male sex (aka 50% of the human population). When you think about yourself as a small child, can you honestly say that you did not need the love, care, protection, guidance, and orientation of a father/father figure? Can you honestly say that, even as an adult, you do not still need and desire the presence and support of a father/father figure? When you think about your family, can you honestly say that you do not need and benefit greatly from the shared familial intimacy and understanding of brothers or male cousins? When you think about your friendships, can you honestly say that you see no value nor importance in building genuine and healthy relationships with men outside of a sexual/romantic dynamic?

Men have important and valuable roles in our families and communities that are not solely based upon their sexual relationships with us as women. Men are fathers and elders. They are teachers and guides. They are creators and builders and world makers. They are lovers and friends. Men are visionaries and hard workers. They are warriors and healers and artists and musicians and storytellers. They are hunters and land stewards. They are the defenders of their villages, their peoples, their families.

Men are leaders and, yet, we, as women, refuse to respect and honor them as such. We criticize them, belittle them, make fun of them, ignore them, and pretend as if we do not need them by our sides as our teammates, comrades, collaborators, co-creators, friends, lovers, partners, and fathers/father figures of our children.

Men are not the problem but, rather, one half of the solution alongside their women. And in order for men to step into their birthright as someone who embodies the truest essence of divine fatherly love, we women must make and hold space for them to do so. If we always look at our men as if they are someone who we must be fighting against in order to gain power, we will never be able to see and embrace the genuine power that we can wield TOGETHER as an unshakeable example of strength, love, and mutual respect. Men need women. Women need men. We need one another to thrive.

A little less than a year ago, I had a beautiful conversation with Abuelo Querubin about the work that I was doing in healing my relationship with men. His response was, as always, deeply healing and illuminating. “Ahhhh, si,” he smiled and nodded. “Asi es, mi querida amiga. Tenemos que trabajar juntos, no?  Mujeres y hombres, trabajando y solucionando.”

Translation: “Ah, yes. That’s how it is, my dear friend. We have to work together,

no? Women and men, working and finding solutions.”

He went on to share with me that in his younger years he had a difficult time understanding and relating to women which caused him a lot of pain and sadness. However, with time, patience, and the continued love and support of the women in his life, he learned how to embody his masculinity in a healthy and balanced way. The abuelo knew that the women in his life made him stronger. He knew that their work, their contributions, and their care was what laid the foundation for him to be the powerful political and spiritual leader that he was. He knew that his work would be significantly more difficult, if not impossible, without them. The abuelo knew the true value of women and the women knew the true value of the abuelo. This is one of the many, many reasons why he was the Taita, the father, the leader.

When I dream and vision and weave the future that I have a part in co-creating, I imagine men who have the full love and support of the women in their lives. I pray for a reality where men know that the women in their lives have their backs. I envision a world in which men feel that they can be fully honest and vulnerable with women without being judged, attacked, put down, or dismissed. I sing for a future where men know, deep in their bones, that their work is valued, appreciated, respected, and honored by their women. For it is the support, acceptance, and genuine love of their women that allows our men the spaciousness to fully come alive and embody all of their god-given gifts as fathers, elders, and leaders of their families and communities. This is how we heal. This is how we come intro right relationship with thriving life. This is how we return to love. Rather than choosing to fight against men, we can choose to fight together with men for this version of a future.

ART CREDIT:

Father's Love by Tom Sullivan